Dear Mr Depp,

Dear Johnny,

I was so sorry to hear of your recent split from Vanessa Paradeis, it must be wonderful for you to no longer have to wake up next to one of the most gorgeous women in the world.

Now, you haven’t been single since 1998, and let me tell you, things out there have changed. You’re older, wiser but far less bad-ass than before. You’ve gotten a little bit kookier, we’ve gotten a little bit more judgemental, but never fear Johnny, we will have you back on your feet in no time.

You sound worried, with your perpetually confused look and big eyes, and so you should be, the United States is a harsh places, the media spotlight, the fast food, the bright lights, Lindsey Lohan’s driving, all very dangerous. So I propose this to you, recover from your heartache out of the glare of flashing cameras and women flashing . . . . never mind, come to New Zealand!

I’d be happy to show you around, there’s all sort of kookie people here who make music and make films. Your good friends the Black Keys are coming down in November and it is probably about time that you and Tim Burton took a break from each other yeah? He has a wife you know. I feel that here, your cheek-bones and indie style will be much loved by young and old alike (especially young) and don’t worry about the cold, you can spoon me.

Lots of love,

xxx

yummy

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